The Third Sunrise
Lapse
Something is wrong with my coffee maker. Something is off with my mind. It is June. It is raining outside. I wake up at 4:30 a.m. A cat who likes to screech for no apparent reason. But he loves me. He pushes his little fluffy cat feet into my chest when I sleep, inadvertently giving me asthma. A small price to pay for feeling loved? Animal's have always made me smile. They don't need much; they just need me and I take care of them.
Back to the coffee maker; the coffee is not waking me up. I use the tassimo and add two shots of espresso. Shit, I am still tired.
A couple of days ago; in bed at 2:30 pm. A headache. Workaholic I am I bring my day-timer into my room. I make notes. I take Tylenol. A headache-- a migraine. I can't move. Fuck. I call my parents:
"Mom, Dad, I can't move...no the Tylenol is not working. No, the migraine pill did not work. No I cannot take my dog pee, No...fuck" Crying hurts my head but I can't stop crying. Migraines really hurt
Dad comes over with Advil. Advil sort of works. He changes the light bulbs and gives me a bag of food, "a care package" from my mom. I love my parents and my parents love me.
But I give half the food back to my dad. I eat a lot of oatmeal, fruit and chocolate. Sometimes, that is it. Food can still scare me sometimes, invade my mind, and it lives there right now.
They know I am going through a tough spell, a spell that seems to be taking longer to recover from, and they still love me. Could I ever love a child in this way?
The stress! The book! The PR I cannot seem to do without landing in bed with migraines crying like a fucking idiot. I feel weak; unaccomplished, useless. How do other writers with this illness do these things? What is wrong with me? I feel sort of alone. A lot alone.
I am moving in two weeks. Moving throws me off. I have moved ten times in ten years, at least. Maybe if I were not moving I could handle life better.
I can write fiction and I look forward to a time, in a few months, when I can do this. Publishing and writing fiction is like living in someone else's life and how glorious is that?
Welcome home niccotine.
I am thankful to people, you know who you are, who understand my need to take care of myself right now despite commitment. Thank you.
Time to work.
Comments
Hi Darlene
Thank you so much for reading my blog!
I would love to read yours; can you send the link on here? Hopefully others will check it out.
I go through spells where I get them every other day. Have missed a lot of work when I worked in an office. I can't take pain killers, the addiction thing, and the preventative meds do nothing at all. I swear they make them worse. Thank you for your kind words.
Natalie
Me too! We had a lot of fun for so much damn bullshit. I still remember you on the phone with shaw hahah
And oh god Zelly and his yellow nails
enough said!
Hey Nathalie
I am starting to think there is something in the air, well at least yesterday. I too am Bi-Polar. I have been doing really great but yesterday it's like I didn't know who's skin I was in. I just wanted to cry at everything. The right side of my face was sore, my nose started dripping by nightfall. I have 4 children under 8 so I had to work through it and keep their routine. It felt like a torture not being able to just go lie down and sleep but I'd feel guilty if I did leaving daddy to do everything.
I actually was also craving food any food which is bad because I've been on a Isagenix cleanse for 2 weeks and have lost 11 pounds so why screw that up? Daddy is getting fixed and the thought of never having kids again kills me but I can't afford to get off my pills.
Pressure for work. I work at home but I find myself consumed at times forgetting everything around me. Then I find myself with housework up to the ceiling.
I had to remind myself to let go of yesterday and focus on this moment of peace and to stay in it today. Too much time alone isn't a great thing whether your busy or not.
Hugs to you today.
Hey Jenn
Yes, it's been weird. I live on the west coast and it's been raining for-ever. I cannot imagine struggling and having children...you amaze me in this way! Hate to say I want to try this flush thing...
Yes, I am having issues concentrating too. I have been trying to edit and publish an article for work for two hours...
you hang in there as well!
Natalie
Ughh rain really throws a wrench into it when your already feeling low. Hell if I could get out I'd go lie down in a tanning machine to feel some rays. I'm not alone with the children so I have balance but wow sometimes the fighting yelling crying just challenges my patience!
My family and friends have noticed a difference with what I am taking. I figure it's organic, half the time I can't get food to go down my throat and my body is keeping every ounce of fat on because Im not eating, a crappy cycle to be in.
Your in an interesting position. Your expected to perform. I couldn't commit to a 9-5 if my life depended on it. It's like people know we are bi-polar but still expect us to do what "they" could do. I am learning to just say hey I'll get the most important day to day stuff done and everything is a bonus!
Although it's hard to do, walk away for a while and re-charge. We end up with walls that stop us from doing what we want to get done and get frustrated that we can't work around it. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you're human, you're bi-polar! We are unique and don't work or think like the others! hugs
I am so sorry the migraine is back giving you more pain than you already have to deal with. I too have migraines 3 or 4 time a week sometimes everyday. i take fiorecet everyday sometimes only 4 sometimes the 8 prescribed. chocolate is a big trigger and i so miss chocolate really miss it but then i give in and sometimes it is ok and i don't get a migraine sometimes just cut my head off put it in the freezer until they find a real cure. sometimes it is the weather well actually the weather all the time rain wind clouds without rain the worse if i could live in a controled bubbly would that be grand but not in my life time. it goes on has since i was 13 i am now almost 61 will have a migraine on my deathbed am sure. stress another thing we can not avoid there is no way stress is part of life and stress causes migraines i could go on and on but if you read my life with migraines blog page it tells more. take care miss ice packs do help on your neck and/or accross the forehead hugz