The Third Sunrise
It isn't always easy
My hands ache from typing. But I have a full day of typing. My head hurts from thinking and my heart is too heavy. Last week I counted my blessings and this week I sit inside where it's nice and dark, cozy save for my mind.
I am hurt. I feel as if the most important people in my life have pulled the rug out from underneath my precarious feet; I am flat on my ass and wishing they had any idea who I really am. The words, thrown at me and laced with ignorance and blood, hurt.
I read e-mails from them; bashing and cruel. And above all, completely incorrect. I work so hard. So goddamn hard. Just to survive and ultimately, to make my dream come true and help people. I hope I do a better job then they have this past week.
I should be given more credit. I should be believed. My honesty should be taken face value with with absolute trust and grace.
Slapped in the face and left to think; the world quickly black. I am so hurt.
Something has been irrevocable changed and things will never be the same. I will never open myself up to them again. I will never forget the e-mails, scathing, painful--leaving me in bed for two days to contemplate how useless I feel, how I wish they had any idea how goddamn hard I work, and sometimes---just to make them smile.
Life is not black and white. But it is full of a little bit of colour----just enough to give me some goddamn credit.
I cannot be specific in this blog because I have vowed to never hurt my family though I yearn to place their e-mails in this blog, all 800 words of them. Hurtful and mean and I cannot move on.
I can just keep writing.
Just like I always have.
And Blake, I love you, for saying what I cannot.
Comments
Hi, Bill:
Thank you for this comment. It made me smile and it made me cry. You know how hard it is: dodging goddamn bullets. This illness kills people. I have known a couple of them myself. I am sorry for your pain but so happy you have your mom. Sometimes I have mine too but she's not the most stable person herself though without diagnosis.
I took wellbutrin for ten years. It was a fantastic med for me (and I could finally quit smoking!) They moved me to Prozac because my doc said it was better for my anxiety disorders...smoking again
I found my way into church as well; AA and NA. I should really go back, sober or not, it was the first time I felt really accepted by anyone, much less a group of people.
Thinking about it now, I think I'll give another shot this week....bipolar is a lonely house to live in
Thank so much for this Bill.
Sincerely,
Natalie
I know how difficult it is, but perhaps you could think of it as their problem, not yours. That's how I had to learn how to deal with the same thing.
Keep doing what you do, don't give them the power to take that away from you.
Hi, Sheri:
Thank you so much for this comment. You are right, I do need to take some of the stress off myself; we are all human and they are not perfect.
Thank you!
Sincerely,
Natalie
Hi Nat, I don't know what's going on as I never do but I sure wish I was closer to give you a hug 
I wish You and I were just closer in general and I mean that in all ways possible. I know one day we will be. I know you don't handle pain well (especially emotional) but I also know how strong you are as look at your life long journey. Feel free to call me, it sure would make my day Always thinking of you, xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Natalie, only someone who has experienced what we have could even begin to understand our lives. My father gave me pure hell, but my Mom has been an angel.
I have bipolar too, and it took until I was 50 to get the right diagnosis. I'm 59, and this crippling disorder started when I was around 15. Whenever I have any level of mania I have hypersexual behavior, which I can never seem to remember, and that cost me so many things in my life, including six years in prison.
So, in 2002 I was diagnosed and put on meds, which gave me my life back. Been on many meds since then, but am currently on a great combo of Lamictal and Wellbutrin, with Relpax for the 5-6 migraines I have each month.
In 2008 I walked into a church for the first time ever, Episcopal, and now I have a belief in God to help me lead a better life. A true blessing. I corun a depression and bipolar peer group here in the U.S., and this is my ministry in life.
I care for you and I care what happens to you, so know you are not alone. Feel free to email me if you are down.